Missing my friend "Marrom"

Yesterday i was checking some old things posted on ORKUT ( an old version of orkut) and it brings to my  mind some hiden thoughts, feelings and memories.
It has been 6 years since he has been away from us. I just feel like saying some small things in here :

1. I wish I had paid more attention to our conversation after the marilyn manson 's concert and not be so focused in how far away we were from home and how late it was.

2. I wish I had sticked with you longer during reveillon - 2007/2008...I wish i had screamed your name when i last saw you standing at the mall and waiting for your bus back home ( you said "you look like an old person! enjoy life! let's start the year in a right way!...and we did...the  bad part was that you would only have 15 days after that night with us)

3. I wish I had asked you more about your (lack of) religion to try to understand better why you never believed in anything.

4. I wish I could see you as a professor ( as you had just graduated at that time).Honestly, I think you would be a great one.

5. I wish I had told you how great you were to me. How great you were to everybody who surrounded you.



I do do do do do do do miss you.

Note to self: Let people know about my feelings towards them and keep in mind that life is too short.

Mi american madrecita!

I had a really interesting weekend. Saturday i was invited to have a dinner with a friend who prepared great dishes ( OH MY GOD! )! I was able to feel alive again and finally useful! I hepled him out with some small things and I heard  nice things back about it :) yay

 

While i was doing that, my ex boyfriend was drinking with a friend ....and got home around 1:10 in the morning  drunk and smelling drinks and smoke ( so attractive ...) and just as usual, communication about what happened that night or even "im sorry but im drunk "...never happened...

we are living with my parents still ( this will change...i got a great advice....)...i thought this act a disrespectful one....and what i had to hear from my dad because of this sh*t was like a slap on my face and a "wake up"scream...FEELS HORRIBLE at that time he was talkin but now feels great....feels freedom. one of the best sentence that i ever heard from my dad lately was :                   

 

"don't be into a relationship where you are obviously not important to the other....where your feelings are shut down. Don't let anyone put you down, because if you look around you will see people who really care about and who really loves you. Look beyond your family and friends.You will find someone who fits. Because love is not forced....it just happen...you've been forcing and trying to hard on this relationship and look what you've got ....you cant put an elephant inside a small glass manuela....I know you're sad, i can see it. And i don't wanna put you down but i also don't wanna lie to you neither...think about it" - Dad's words.

 

But the most interesting thing was a conversation that i had with mi madrecita...it is kind of interesting when you ex's " mom " just tell you that  he is not the right for you...that you deserve better than that.That i will be miserable if i stick with this broken relationship ... If she said it so, who am i to say "are you sure?"

 

See her crying ( we used skype) broke my heart... broke my heart completly. I guess we shared the same pain at that moment. The pain of letting things go...the pain of knowing how much it once meant to you...the pain of the reality.

 

I got sad and stronger at the same time. sad because i won't be part of her beautiful family that i really love so much....but i got stronger because i had a view from someone who really knows my ex.

 

I am stronger to keep going on without him in my life.  Everyday i am more sure that i did the right thing and i am also sure of what i don't want in my relationship.

 

I learned a lot in this last relationship...i hope the next one be a happy and lasting one...surrounded by romatism and respect. I am ready , after an year, to share my love ( and i have tons of it ) and more than ready to feel loved again :)

 

My heart is healing because i am allowing this to happen

 

Note to self: Enjoy every moment  of my new style of life.I changed so much!  I am much stronger than before...ready for new life! new love! new me! It's  much  better to be singe than to be in a fake relationship.

and then what?

What left after the breakup?

This could be a hard question for many people...for me is pretty simple. What left  after the break up? nothing but memories.

I always thought that could be hard to keep a friendship or whatever else after you decide to breakup. and it is. First because some of the party involved still migh love the "other significant one" what means that someone can get hurt in the "friendship zone", second because the "friendship"can be pretty messy and end up as a " casual sex mate" which can also bring pain to someone at some point..., and third you might realize that the best thing that you did for yourself was to be completly out of the other person's life.

I already went through some of the reasons listed above....nowadays, im stuck at the third one.

I gave someone else a chance to be privileged with my nice friendship after i decided to breakup and he decided to put the relationship on hold .For me ,  "Putting a relationship on a hold" , in my head means :they're not quite willing or ready to let go completely, and not willing to hold on completely... BTW , this is something that I have to mention in here : I can not understand why a grown man could think that by putting the relationship on hold would improve and help a relationship ,which the main problem( besides trust...) was the lack of feelings that the relationship came first in the "order of priorities" list. Oh well...

Well, let's go back to the subject in here...as I was saying ...I identify myself , at this moment, with the third reason and I am pretty aware of why I identify myself with that one more . It is easy to understand why a "friendship" doesn't really exist  when there is no communication ; when you mention something that bothers you and the person couldn't care less ; when you said which kind of support you need and then  you see this person doing everything else but supporting you...when you see that even in the "friendship zone"you're still not a priority... when you wanted to hear a compliment for preparing a nice cake .......oh oh oh wait.....isn't those one of the reasons why we brokeup???  pff......well...the lis t is big but i don't feel like going deeper in that...

What changed during the switch "Couple - friends" process? in fact nothing changed at all. Just the certain that sometimes keep a friendship with an ex can be pretty exhausted ...and sometimes instead of making you regret of your choice....just make you even more sure about it.

Note to self: get away from people who doesn't know what they want...or who is not brave enouh to say what they really want in your face...and please manuela please ...no more chance to friendship who doesn't really exist.

If we don't have a relationship, a friendship....what does we have? what remains besides memories?

...nothing, my dear....NOTHING. :)

...and it's always hard to say goodbye.

It is not the first time that this happen and I am quite aware it won't be the last. Having a part of your heart broken in a such slow process is 10000000 times worse than when someone decide to break your heart with such great determination that your first reaction is like "wtf!"but sooner than you can imagine...you will be fine and appreciating that everything happened exactly because there was a big reason for it.

The worse part about the slow "breakup process"is that you become someone that you are not. For instance, i became cold and indiferent. For me it was really easy to see why I became who I am now.
I was in a relationship where there was no love, no respect, no empathy, no passion, no interaction, no fire, no desire, no dreams, no hope, no interest ...no communication. Yes, that's right...no communication. I had some bad relationships before but  none of those took my dreams away....took my confidence and dignity away.

I never had much in life but this breakup took everything I had. How many times I saw myself really happy about a "future"with my unknown husband and my adorable kids. I don't see it anymore. I hate the idea of wedding at this moment and i hate even more the idea of having kids. It seems like marriage now is a completly fake game...where someone is looking only  for benifits og having this kind of  contract ( Love?? what is that about? this def can wait....what?? did i say wait? pffff... ). Why should we get married ? specially when your "special one"treats you like garbage, doesnt have plans with you of course, doesn't make you and even himself - as a couple- as priorities in life, cheat on you so many times that you even lost the will to fight for it...and as the final stabbed ....after you giving this person a chance for an year , instead of you checking a person fight for conquer you back, fight for having everything that once he really had....you see a person even more cold that makes sure everyday that he never regreted about anything....giving evidence of it everyday by doing everything like it was before..

I used to complain a lot in order to see if he could see what was going on.It never happened. Today, I silence myself in order to have some peace of mind.What I was thinking? i don't know.
A person who look at you but don't see you cry...who put everybody else first...who doesn't realize what he has done...who has broken promises...who was never there for me....and when he is "here"....instead of correcting things...just keep playing the same old rules of "ignoring the problem because tomorrow is a new day"...a person who always justify his mistakes ....justify his lack of believe in monogamy and marriage on his preview experience ( his own and his family experience), a guy who thinks that tomorrow will be different by doing exactly the same from yesterday... a guy who breaks promises...with no words...no love ...yeah...What i was thinking...

This is a long post ...and im writing it for myself...im writing in order to try to keep a note to myself and nobody else....and here is the sume of it : Manuela , some people believe holding on and hanging there are signs of great strenght.However , there are times when it takes much more strenght to know when to let go and when do it....I am pressing pause to a person that once asked me not to...but sadly he only asked me not to but never gave me real reasons for it.

It's good to be back in here.