...and it's always hard to say goodbye.

It is not the first time that this happen and I am quite aware it won't be the last. Having a part of your heart broken in a such slow process is 10000000 times worse than when someone decide to break your heart with such great determination that your first reaction is like "wtf!"but sooner than you can imagine...you will be fine and appreciating that everything happened exactly because there was a big reason for it.

The worse part about the slow "breakup process"is that you become someone that you are not. For instance, i became cold and indiferent. For me it was really easy to see why I became who I am now.
I was in a relationship where there was no love, no respect, no empathy, no passion, no interaction, no fire, no desire, no dreams, no hope, no interest ...no communication. Yes, that's right...no communication. I had some bad relationships before but  none of those took my dreams away....took my confidence and dignity away.

I never had much in life but this breakup took everything I had. How many times I saw myself really happy about a "future"with my unknown husband and my adorable kids. I don't see it anymore. I hate the idea of wedding at this moment and i hate even more the idea of having kids. It seems like marriage now is a completly fake game...where someone is looking only  for benifits og having this kind of  contract ( Love?? what is that about? this def can wait....what?? did i say wait? pffff... ). Why should we get married ? specially when your "special one"treats you like garbage, doesnt have plans with you of course, doesn't make you and even himself - as a couple- as priorities in life, cheat on you so many times that you even lost the will to fight for it...and as the final stabbed ....after you giving this person a chance for an year , instead of you checking a person fight for conquer you back, fight for having everything that once he really had....you see a person even more cold that makes sure everyday that he never regreted about anything....giving evidence of it everyday by doing everything like it was before..

I used to complain a lot in order to see if he could see what was going on.It never happened. Today, I silence myself in order to have some peace of mind.What I was thinking? i don't know.
A person who look at you but don't see you cry...who put everybody else first...who doesn't realize what he has done...who has broken promises...who was never there for me....and when he is "here"....instead of correcting things...just keep playing the same old rules of "ignoring the problem because tomorrow is a new day"...a person who always justify his mistakes ....justify his lack of believe in monogamy and marriage on his preview experience ( his own and his family experience), a guy who thinks that tomorrow will be different by doing exactly the same from yesterday... a guy who breaks promises...with no words...no love ...yeah...What i was thinking...

This is a long post ...and im writing it for myself...im writing in order to try to keep a note to myself and nobody else....and here is the sume of it : Manuela , some people believe holding on and hanging there are signs of great strenght.However , there are times when it takes much more strenght to know when to let go and when do it....I am pressing pause to a person that once asked me not to...but sadly he only asked me not to but never gave me real reasons for it.

It's good to be back in here.